Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Straight people are cancelled
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
huge if true: the moon
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
even bears disappoint their mothers