[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?