I would move hell over six inches for you
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating