Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Good news
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Can’t, holding a grudge
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow