Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta