If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Story of my life…..
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating