Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]