[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Whisper out to librarians!
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel