Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Life is a suicide mission.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.