My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.