Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..