octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?