[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You Might Also Like
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds