The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine