Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?