If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Banana is the quietest snack
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.