I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
gm
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”