I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
when someone compliments me
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever