My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember