her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?