HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
You Might Also Like
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.