You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My last name is Zilla.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!