I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.