Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake