For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Morning.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.