There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you