Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?