The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare