don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta: