They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I found your tweet-up…
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson