CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
the chicken was already gone when I got here
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*