When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Happy weekend !