Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
.. do you even science?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month