[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You Might Also Like
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
mom had nothing to worry about
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!