I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?