a fate I wish upon no one
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello