Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
You Might Also Like
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Generation gap…
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.