Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.