The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
pizza
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.