Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.