Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie