I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*