You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.