Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.