[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did