My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I cannot stop laughing at this
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?