You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.