My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back