i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
no cat here
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.