Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.